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May 17, 2013 / TeknoKai

I am me, but which one is the best?

I am me.  This is the most profound statement I have ever cogitated into a real thought.  I cannot explain how I got here, I won’t go into any details of the path that brought me to this stark realization.  Suffice it to say, “Identity Crisis” is not quite broad enough to cover the topic. Yet, here I am.  And for this exact moment in time, I have to make a note.  To myself, above all, should I not remember this at any other time in my life; I am me.

But there exists a core paradox in these three little words.  They are the penultimate gauges by which I measure myself.  Forget the scientific definition of the words, and forget the spiritual definition as well.  I have come to a place, a fixed point in time and space, where I exist.  And I continue from here.

I have imagined that every single thing in the universe fell away, and nothing was left but a blank canvas, and I stood before it.  In essence, the universe was empty, except for me.  I think I had tried very hard to reach the point where every other sight, thought, and sensation was blocked off from my core self.  Call It “extreme meditation”.  After years and years of trying, I managed to reach this place.  No one is here but me.  And that is when I realize that I am, at all times, the very trinity of existence.

“Me,” is the word I use to refer to myself as a designation.  “Me” is only corporeal when there are more than one person in the picture.  “Me” is a receiver, a point where everything can end on where “Me” stands.  “Me,” becomes the first generation of existence, because “I” am writing this, with the purpose that it be read by myself (and others), and so “I” have had to take a quantum shift in perception to view myself as an object upon which thought and reason can be placed.

“Am” is the perfect transitory action in this statement, because it relates the very act of existing.  Suffice it to say, I do not have the words in my mental vocabulary that will allow me to further describe this state of being.  It just works, as any transitory constant should.

Lastly, the third generation of perspective is “I”.  This is where the core paradox comes into play.

For as much as anyone would be able to view “me” as a separate fixed point in reality, “I” am the only one who can view reality from this fixed point.  “I” am where I have always been, and always will be.  But “I” am not an endpoint for someone else to reach.  “I” am the doer – the creator, the beginning of everything that is and will be.  That is the beauty of the “trinity paradox”.  “I”, by definition, am a single solitary soul.  There is only one.  But in order for reality to work, “I” have to have three different points of perspective.

By realizing that “I” have to have at least three dimensions of perspective, “I” concede that reality is a thing that can only be manipulated by the perspective from which it is viewed.  And for “myself”, there will always be three states of being happening at one.  Call it “Instinctive Multi-tasking”.  That is as far as I can go with my explanation, while still being “Me”.

The one note that I wish to make for myself is that even though the perspective is constantly in flux, one of the three generations will always be the “active” one.  “My” note to “myself” is that it should be “I” more frequently than it is “me” – because “I” should always be in the process of creating, and doing, rather than having the universe (which is a pretty damn empty place) be the creator and doer; hoisting it’s thoughts and reasons onto “me”.  To truly exist, and to thrive in existing, I have to be “I” more frequently than I have to be “Me”.  It is far better to be the creator, than to have someone else’s creations thrust into my reality.

I hope that I haven’t lost myself amidst the constant perception shifts, and I hope that I haven’t gotten you dear readers lost as well. I just felt that it was time to make a note that I can come back to someday in the far future, when I need a fourth perspective, from the past, as time goes by and adds to the equation.

***********

Author’s Note:  For my academic friends, I just want to say that I have never had as much fun with the English language than I have in this one composition.  Aside from trying to expound on the perspicuity of the actual act of existing, I have never been more thrilled to be able to manipulate the rules of punctuation so that I could “legally” break the rules of grammar to such a clever and witty end.  This could be the most fun that a one-time academic mind could ever have.  Though I have not been purely “academic” for many years, having to be more “realistic” from day to day, it has been truly fun connecting with this side of myself, which I had thought long forgotten.  The English language is truly malleable; the author’s intent and “will” is the only true governing force, and all those years spent learning the proper rules really were so that I could break them properly when the need arose.  Truly, there is no more immediate and flexible a tool, or a weapon, in some perspectives, as the English language.  Never have I more truly understood the value of the pen versus the sword.  My inner “Librarian” is shaking its fists at the ceiling in glee.   And if you get that pun, then you really do know about as much as possible about me.

Terry

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