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June 26, 2013 / TeknoKai

Will Somebody Save Me? (Think the intro music to Smallville)

Hello, all my fellow Netizens! It is a wonderful day to be alive, isn’t it? The Supreme Court made history for us all today with their rulings on the Marriage Equality issue. I’m so thrilled to be alive at this time, to feel like mankind is evolving all around me! But the evolution I see is only on the screens of my iPhone or iPad Mini. Here in the middle of purgatory (Read Mississippi) things aren’t really gonna change, at least not overnight. Now, I love my home state, but I’m afraid it doesn’t quite love me.

I have stayed where I am now because I have family members that are elderly and I wanted to be close by in case they needed me. I have lived close to them all my life, and loved them dearly. But I have been draining all that I ever had to just stay close by. In the last few years I have used every penny I received from my Father’s death benefits (he was a National Guardsman all his life) and everything I had ever saved into my 401(k) accounts (they are dried up now!) just to be able to maintain the exact rut I’m living in. Over the last 2 years, I have worked odd Jobs as requested just to make ends meet. In the last month I have applied to numerous places locally so that I might find some income that would keep me in stasis of what I have been living on for years now, day to day. Every time I have personally walked into a business I feel I have made a good impression on them, but I never get a call back. I have been in the IT Industry for 17 years, and that is what I am most capable of. Now, I’m not going to say that the fact that I’m gay has anything to do with the rejections I have faced over the last couple of months. I don’t act effeminate – I am a man and I’m proud to be so. Regardless, something always seems to creep in between the time I apply for a job with a written application, resume, and interview and the actual time that job is filled. I don’t want to think that my sexual identity would preclude me from these opportunities, but I am not a “Closet” case. I don’t advertise, as they say, but I am who I am. And that is all I can be.

However, if I don’t manage to find something to do within the next month I am going to seriously suffer. As of today, every bill I have is paid for June. But When July’s bills come rolling in, I don’t have a clue as to how I’m going to handle them. It looks as if there is nothing for me in my hometown (regretfully) and I am coming to terms with the fact that I am going to have to leave if I am to survive. I just don’t know how to do that. I am prepared to go. I can leave at the drop of a hat, I just don’t have that many valuable items to worry about. Everything of value to me I can walk out of the door with in one armload. I’m scared as Hell to leave the place I know and love, and the people I care about, but I don’t think I can do anything else. I have traveled before many times, but never made a move out of my birthplace, and I know I’m going to have to do just that. The only problem is, I don’t have anything left from my stashes. Nope. Zip, Nada, Zilch. I have burned through my “retirement savings” as if I were retired. It hasn’t been easy, folks. I’m hoping that someone who has the clout, and the connections necessary, will read my plea and have the heart to suggest me to the next Job Opportunity, Career Move, or whatever they see opening up before them. I have nothing of wealth, but I have a heart full of charity, kindness, and love for my fellow man; I have a long list of IT accomplishments in my 17 years in the field, and I have my words – my beautiful words, as you can see here. I’ll never be perfect, but I’ll never stop trying, as long as this body has breath. I hope, more than anything, that someone will see this and know that it is heartfelt and true, and I am trying my best to find my way out of this stagnant existence I have settled into (because it sure as Hell doesn’t feel like living!) so that I be myself again. I have waited for my knight in shining armor to save me (yes, me) for too long and I’m afraid we passed each other in the Sultry Southern Storm and didn’t know it. I realize the depth of my intimate self that I have exposed here for the world to peruse, but if I can’t be man enough to share myself (even at this deep level) then I probably don’t deserve to be here in the first place.

So, I am telling the world – this is me! I’m drowning! Help me please! I’ve lived the first half of my lifetime in secrecy, and obfuscation, and veiled attempts to be me. I am now going to start the other half (hopefully) with a clean, fresh perspective, hopefully in a new place from here, with friends I can actually see and touch, and with people who will care if I don’t show up on time, or a day late, or something…

My 40th birthday is this november, and so I think now is the perfect time to have myself reborn into this modern world. I just hope that I’m not hoping in vain for something that’ll never come. So now, with my soul bared, I’m hoping somebody will Save Me, because I think I’m all out of my own ideas…

Love,

Terry

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