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August 20, 2013 / TeknoKai

Letters from Seclusion…1

Hello, Dear Internet,

Yes.  It is just me once again.  I have so little actual contact with “real” people that I’m beginning to think they’re just a myth that I made up to keep myself company.  I mean, I can go days at a time without ever leaving my little apartment.   I only go out into the “real world” when there is a need for something I don’t have.  In that short fractured moment in which I foray into society to grab what I need and get back to safety, I might just have a chance at speaking to 2 or 3 people face to face.  The rest of the time the only way I know I’m not the last man standing is because I see everyone’s perpetually growing timelines, and twitter-feeds.  If the Internet did not exist (as it didn’t back when I was in school) I don’t know if I’d ever talk to anyone, ever.  I know I’d certainly never see anyone.  I came to realize the stunning fact that 90% of the people I refer to as “Friends” have never seen me face to face.  I have talked with all of them, often daily, across the net, but as far as physically seeing them in person?  Well, there’s about 3000 miles, land or sea, between us in any given direction.  What can we do about it?  Nothing, mainly.  Our little blue planet is just a wee bit bigger than we can comfortably deal with.  Sure, you can purchase a plane ticket and fly anywhere in the world.  But once you’ve been there, you have to come back home again, eventually.  We are not a nomadic species, though we are adaptable to change.  But I’m getting off point here, so I’ll regress.

Most of the contact I have with people is what we interchange digitally about our lives.  I can remember when we used to sit down at the supper table and tell each other how our days were, over deliciously home cooked meals.  Nowadays, it’s pretty much “throw whatever you have together in the pan, cook it, and eat it so it doesn’t go to waste” or “just stop by and pick up something on the way home”.  I hate to say it, but sometimes the only reason I have to leave my “base extrordinaire” (yes, I like puns, especially sarcastic ones)  is to go and obtain the meal of the day.  I have lived in seclusion for so long that I’m forgetting how people act when there are more than one together in a group.  I have forgotten how to act in a group.  I watch my TV shows and my Anime to kill the time between being online and sleeping, and all my senses of human interaction are honed by the writers of said shows.  I do not have a local network of friends anymore (is it because I’m finally turning 40 this year?!)  to rely on, or even to talk to, so I over the last (especially this past year) couple of years I have found myself “nesting” in my little piece of the world.  I have everything important to me within 10 steps from where I’m sitting, and the only interaction I have with other living souls is filtered through the digital barrier that separates life from life.  And some days, I just feel like I’m not real – that I’m just passing through this “place”.  Don’t get me wrong, I love my Netizen friends with all my heart.  But I have spent more than a decade without being touched by another human hand.  I have begun to think that this is my lot in life.  That if there was another person on Earth who was meant for me, then our paths did not cross.  And on a planet of almost 7 billion, that’s a hardcore fact.  I try to keep thinking that I haven’t lost my chance.  I will find someone some day who wants to be with me, despite who I am and how I think.  But positive thinking weighs heavily on a person’s soul.  Or it does mine, at least.  So I drudge through another day, waiting for something I know will never happen, but telling myself that I have to be in all ways prepared.  At one time, I felt like I was actively looking for what I thought would make my life complete, but now, I don’t have the means to be the one out looking.  So I have to sit and wait, day after day, hoping that someone will chance upon my musings and think – “Hey!  He’s a philosophical soul at heart, and a deep thinker, I think I need to meet him!”  But then the days keep passing by, and maybe once in a while one of my net friends will send me a message or just happen across me and speak.  but the rest of the time, I just sit here, watching the timelines and twitter-feeds unfold, and feeling like the digital world is passing me by as fast as reality has done.  I don’t know if there’s a name for this feeling, or if I am the only one on Earth who’s ever felt this way.  I hope I am, I don’t want anybody else to carry a burden like this.  All I can say is “It will get better”, but honestly, I haven’t seen any change at all.  I keep chanting the mantra, though.  Keep focused, tomorrow is always gonna be a brighter day.  So, I’m gonna shed a few more tears, take a deep breath, and jump back into the next 8 or so hours of the audiobook I’m listening to, or watch another anime serial, while I sit in my seclusion, and wait.  I’m just not quite sure anymore what I’m waiting for.


Leave a Comment
  1. scottishmomus / Aug 30 2013 2:14 pm

    I hope this is imagination. Please tell me it is.x

    • TeknoKai / Sep 1 2013 1:20 am

      Nope. Sorry, love. This is real. Right here, right now, me. I’m not being fictional, this is where I am at this point in my life. I’m trying to be better, but, there’s no one around to be better for…

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