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December 16, 2013 / TeknoKai

God, I am giving it up to you…

Hello friends, neighbors, and netizens!  I hope that each and every one of you is healthy, happy, and warm on this cold Mississippi Winter night!  I am writing from atop my comfy-couch, in my little apartment, in downtown Louisville, where it is a balmy 76 degrees Fahrenheit – thanks to the central heating – and am going to do something I have never done before.  Please bear with me as I write this…I am writing as I am doing, so it truly is chain-of-thought…

For the last several weeks, I have been desperately trying to find a job.  I thought I had the perfect one, in Oakland CA.  I even started envisioning myself doing said job.  I felt lighter in my soul than I have in years.  Then I got the email. “We are impressed by your resume, and experience; however, we can not offer you this position.”  I have been turned down before, but for some reason, this just felt like my heart turned into a frozen block of ice.

So I said to myself, “OK, well, let’s start working on prospect number 2, which you have been holding in the back burner for a week or so, hoping for something good to come out of prospect number 1.”  So I started frantically trying to reach prospect number 2, who I was thinking of as my failsafe – my net to catch me if number prospect number 1 fell through.  All I got was Voicemail.  I have called a couple of times over the weekend, and left messages, but I haven’t heard back yet.

Which brings me to right here, right now.  I don’t know what it is, but I have this feeling – it’s like a tugging sensation, centered on my heart – that is saying to me, “Go West.  You Are Needed.”  I don’t know how to translate the feeling other than with those words.  So here I sit, in my little apartment, empty of all but a few mementos of times gone by and myself, and and think, “Yes.  I hear you.  West.  I feel You.”

Now, most of you who know me (i hope!) think of me as a nice guy.  I try to be nice to everyone.  I try to be friends with everyone I meet.  I have always lived and been this way.  When it comes to religion, I have always considered myself Spiritual – I love God, I know he’s out there, he is watching over me – but not necessarily religious, because I don’t stop each week to perform the same ceremonial actions out of habit that I was brought up to do.  I don’t feel like the process of making myself seen to do these ceremonies is anything other than someone saying “Hey – Look At Me!  I’m Doing What I Am Supposed To!”  I have never been one to crave the spotlight.  I have always been satisfied to stay in the background and make sure that everything goes smoothly for the one in the spotlight.  Therefore, I have always considered myself as “Support”.

But for some reason, I finally had a realization tonight.  I’m not sure what “cosmic event” if you want to call it that, or if you prefer, which “Angel” whispered in my ear, but suddenly I realize that I am not supposed to be “Support”.  “Support” is what you fall back on when you make mistakes, or something goes wrong in your life, and you need time to have a “do-over”.  I am actually supposed to be the subject – the code making things happen, the one bringing about the changes in my life that I have been praying so desperately for.  I shouldn’t be “Support” – I have to be “Terry”.  And “Terry” has got a lot of catching up to do.

I still feel this pull, this nagging sensation that is urging me to go out West.  I don’t know why, and I don’t know How.  I just do.  And I’m not going to stay here sitting still and ignoring it.  Something is changing. I feel it like I feel the air around me.  Everything is stirring, and I am supposed to be a part of it.  So I am going to do something I have never really done before in my life, although I say I have and like to think I have done it many times, I haven’t – I’m going to take a leap of Faith.  Somebody loves me and wants me to be in a place where I can be beneficial, not just be “Living until I die.”  This was confirmed to me yesterday – I got a phone call from a lovely lady who writes in our local paper, telling me that she had been praying for me, that someone told her I was special, that I had something to do.  She invited me to church this morning, and told me that she felt like God was calling me, and asked me not to turn my back on him.  I did not get up and go to church this morning, because I did not sleep last night until almost daybreak and when I finally fell asleep, I guess, I needed it.  But this afternoon when I woke up, I will tell you, I am still feeling this tugging on my heart.  I don’t know what it means, but I do know it means something.  Important.  So, I am taking my first leap of faith right now, in sharing this with all of you.  I may be crazy, but I don’t think so – I feel like a Higher Power is compelling me, and I’m going to listen.

I don’t have anything.  Not a penny in this world.  I don’t even have the friendships you are supposed to have that will get you through the tough times, when you are facing financial hardships.  I guess you could say I have faced friendship hardships.  But I have a feeling that something good is waiting for me.  I have a Paypal account at  I have had it for years.  I have a feeling that somebody is going to give me the money I need to get started on this journey – not money to spend, but money to help me get to where I need to be.  Some way, God is going to make it possible for me to do what it is I’m supposed to do.  I know I’m not supposed to be rich – I don’t care about that.  Money should only be used as the tool needed to exchange for the things we do need.  Money has become the method by which we judge our accomplishments.  If you haven’t made enough money, you aren’t good enough.  I don’t feel this way.  I feel like you should only have the money you  need to do what you need to do, when you need to do it.  God has blessed me in the way that this is how I have lived my life.  When I have had extra, I gave it to those in need.  And will continue to do so, for as long as I am able to draw breath.

I feel like God is starting me on a path that He wants me to be on.  I have never considered myself a Holy person, but I do believe in God and in His love for all of us.  And I feel like he is doing something special right now.  And I’m going to listen.  And if money appears in my Paypal, I will be ready to get up, dust myself off, and head West.  Something good is out there.  I just have to make the choice of whether to sit still and slowly fall apart, or get up and move toward where God wants me to be.  Personally, I’m tired of sitting.  I think I need to stretch my legs.

I wish every one of you the most joyful Christmas you could possibly ever have.  I pray that you will all get what you need – not only materially, but also emotionally – for God is here, and He is working, although we may not see it.  Thank you for being a part of my internet family, my earth family – I wish I could give you everything you want, but all I can give you is Love – and that I will give freely and without hesitation.  And now, I am am going to go talk to my God as I have talked to you, and listen for his instructions on what I need to do.  Be blessed, be joyful, show your loved ones that you do love them, and hopefully, I will see you after Christmas, maybe even from a new place, hopefully doing God’s work.



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