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June 10, 2014 / TeknoKai

The Beginning of the Second Half

Hello Internet Family…

Yes, this is still me.  For the first time since I created this blog I am talking to you all as family, rather than fellow citizens on the net – hence the lack of the Netizen introduction.

First off, I have to say – wow.  I’m still here.  There are many, many reasons I why I shouldn’t be, but despite them all I am still here.  And now that I am here and I have clarity of mind again, I still just have to say “Wow.”   Bear with me for a moment, and you’ll probably understand why.

You all know me as a pretty straight shooter.  I try my best to explain, via this blog, the most important things occurring in my “personal solar system”, and most times, I manage well.  I don’t try to “put on airs” or be pretentious, I just mainly go about the normal everyday business of being me.  Except something happened since the first of the year that definitely wasn’t part of my everyday business.  But I’ll get to it in a moment.  It’s a rather stark and unforgiving situation, one which I would like to prepare you for with a healthy amount of cushioning before we broach the subject, just so you will have the comfort of soft laughing thoughts to keep you sane.  So let’s take a step back and look at the end of last year first, before we get to the treasure trove that is 2014…

Last November I turned 40.  I thought nothing happened.  In my mind I said, “See?  All that stuff I’ve heard about midlife crises had to have been made up.  You hit 40, you’re fine.  Don’t worry!”  And for most of the end of last year – at least through Christmas – that’s what I told myself repeatedly.  I told myself that so often that I actually  started to believe it.  Then came the new year.  I partied with friends (the few I have left in this world), and we saw a pretty nice new year taking shape up until about February.  I say February because Valentine’s day is the first domino in this chain of events I am laying down before you.  Yes, I spent this Valentine’s day alone.  Again.  And I tried to pretend it didn’t matter, but it opened a tiny little hole in my heart.

I got involved in playing Pokemon, a game I have loved for many, many years because I shared it with my little brother in the early days, and now, I play online with my nephew – my little brother’s son – and it’s almost like I’m back  at the height of my youth and vitality (in my mind) for just a little bit.  I beat the game.  Heck, I actually collected all 718 of the Pokemon.  Still have them, waiting for the next generation of games to be released so I can use them again.  But still all this left a hole in my heart.

I’m not sure when, or exactly why, but that little hole got steadily bigger and bigger until about April.  As it was growing, it was steadily trying to pull me down into it’s black center.  I was at the point where I was like one of those hollowed out Easter Bunny Chocolates – everything looked normal and enticing on the outside, but inside there was just, nothing.  I was a shiny new shell of a person without anything inside to fill me up fundamentally, and I was starting to crack!

And then I made the most fundamental decision a person can ever make – and I  made an attempt at suicide.  I simply came home from a bad day of ever worsening feelings about where my life was, and was going, and I downed a bottle of pills and threw myself across the bed hoping to just shut the never-ending fervor and noise of life down.  I was tired.  And I really, at that one point, decided that I didn’t have it in me to fight any more.

But then a wonderful thing happened.  I woke up.  It was about two days later and I felt like living Hell, but I still woke up.  and in the first few moments of regained consciousness, I realized what an ass I’d been – what I had just oh so carelessly tried to throw out with the day’s debris.  And I took a deep breath, and realized that I loved the feeling of filling my body with gallons and gallons of air over and over again because it felt so good to just be alive!  I have since been through a stay at the lovely St. Dominic’s Centre, and I have made connections to people to talk to.  And that is one of the things I had been missing most in my life – the act of simple conversation with another living person.  About anything, everything, and nothing at all.  Just having a friendly ear to talk to was the best thing on earth.

That was a couple of months ago, now.  That, my friends, is the reason I have been absent of late.  I just reached a point in my life where I finally had to face every bad decision, every hard choice full on at once.  And it almost broke me.  But I’m so glad it didn’t.

Looking back now,  I have a purity of consciousness  that I lacked at that moment.  I watched myself become a person who felt that “literally” the world was crashing down on me – I was at point 0 – I had nothing left to lose because I had already lost it all, and I didn’t know what to do to fix it.

I realized, with that first awakening, after I had tortured my soul over how I came to be where I was at that particular time, that I had been wrong.  I had everything to lose, I just couldn’t see it for the garbage that was in the way.  I had a soul altering experience and I managed to shed the weight of every single bad choice, every incorrect path I’d taken, and every decision made not with true contemplation, but with rash pride; the “get me what I want now” option that never ends up being what you really want.  It was all gone.  Just, gone.  The badness I felt around me that I can’t really describe in words (which is a very ironic torment for someone who claims that words are his tool of choice) was gone, and I felt a clarity, and emptiness that felt comforting.  A comfort that I had not felt in years because I had been burdened with an immeasurable weight.

In that moment, when my life could have literally gone one way or the other in a very finite fashion, I remember feeling like I was stuck in a moment of timelessness.  Memories of things that hadn’t crossed my mind in a quarter of a century broke the surface of my thoughts.  I had put myself in a place where I had nothing to lose because I literally had nothing!  I had somehow unconsciously made (over the last few years) myself take everything I had that I valued and either destroyed it, gave it away, or lost it –  so that I was left living in a very literal minimalist environment.  I did not care for things because I didn’t have things to care for.  Basically, I had put up a wall of absolute nothingness around my heart, and convinced my mind that it wasn’t there any more.

And in that moment, I can remember – I felt like my body had melted into absolute nothingness, and all that was left of me was this tiny spark of thought, and I looked out into the void – and saw beauty.  It was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.  I shall probably spend the rest of my life trying to repaint the scene from that timeless moment, and I will never come close.  But the point is – in that apex moment I could have seen utter oblivion, or nothing-ness, a void absent of anything but empty darkness.  In fact, i think that was what i had prepared myself for.  Yet what I did see was light, and varied colored hues from across the whole spectrum.   Instead of emptiness, I felt a great presence of being, growing stronger with every breath.  I felt warmth instead of cold, and finally realized that I am, have always been, and always will be a part of the Something of Creation.   Where I had prepared myself to see the dark, open endlessness of Nothing, instead I found light, warmth, and peace.

Need I say that I felt changed?

I still remember that moment, although more and more vaguely, like a receding dream.  Sometimes, memories from that moment are crystal clear and vivid,  taking hold of my conscious thought and spurring me on to action (such as writing this experience down for the benefit of others),  and sometimes they are hazy and vague, like the very first threads of a story starting to come together.  Regardless of whether the memory is sharp, clear and vibrant, or if it is lazily smoothed by the vaguest of intent, I am here now to tell you that I am changed.   I am not the same person I was in the first 40 years of my life.  That person was a machination of me that I created  – the shape and size of me to fill reality, and all dressed up with the best accessories that could be found, yet hollow and empty at its very core.

I would have never admitted to it in the past, but I was taking  small parts of myself and creating placeholders in reality for others to see – showing them only what they wanted and expected to see of me, while the real “me” was kept just half a step outside reality to be safe – where I couldn’t really be hurt.

But now, I have the overwhelming feeling that that I need to be back in synchronicity with reality.  I don’t need to create shades of myself to put before others.  I truly have to man up, step up, and take my place.  Because I am here for a reason.  I don’t yet know what particular reason it is, but I fully believe with all my heart that on that day when I thought I was seeking a reprieve from life, instead, I found God, and he let me know that there is a part in this life that I have yet to play.  Does this mean that I am suddenly a perfect Christian? No.  It just means that I know my relationship with my Creator is implicitly explicit.  My God knows me and I know Him, and where once I saw only a sky filled with blackness and cold, unfathomable emptiness, there is now a heaven filled with light and warmth and the where the fires of creation sing melody with every new star they bring into reality.  I know that that there is a Creator, filling the universe with life and joy, rather than having all things joyful fade away into the empty blackness of the void.  I know that I am running toward life,  rather than watching a life pass me by as I once stood by, empty-handed and empty hearted.  My point of perception of this living universe has changed.  I am beginning to see wonders beyond measure that have always existed, but I was blinded to them because I lacked the Faith of their existence.

So friends, that is what I wanted to share with you today.  Yes, I have been gone for a long time.  Much longer than I realized, but I am back now.  I am here. I am not quite the one who was here before, but I believe I am better than he was.  And I hope that I will be even better with every passing day.

I think I have honestly said goodbye to the first half of my life, and the second half is full of wondrous new beginnings that hopefully will have wisdom  that the first half lacked.

Till next time…

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